Hi to all, I m working in a it dirm...we r a group of 3 including our head who sits next to me. basically we three share a single cabin.
often my collegue behaves as described below:
1) she asks me to mak calls for example if she want somthing frm canteen, she asks me to ask for it from the cafetaria guy? although i say her why dnt u call she says plzzlz plz...me doing very imp work, so plz do it for me...since she is my collegue , so u all mst be aware of that we share some office gapshaps also...and family also....
cuming back to the topic, she has one phone beside her table...bt never uses it....says plz apke pass ho toh hai phone aapkar do...and its her daily routine...sumtimes i do it...sumtimes i resists, and ignore....my problem is my head is sitting beside both of us...so hw to respond in this situation....
2) she often asks me to do her unimportant work...lik asks me to plz help her stapple all the material or handouts....send mailers on her behalf.....and many more lik that....which she thinks is wastage of time for her....and she wanna focus on her other imp works...
i m the kind of person, who does not depend on others for her work..i do my work with full responsibilities and on my own.....bt she tries to delegate it to me(all unnecessary work)
3) many times our boss has also pinpointed her (indirectly) that u always get your work done smilingly through her....but she smiles and says thanks 2 me...
she didnt even guv me an opportunity 2 ask any favour frm her.....shows as id she ios always bussy...
4) saturday working is another issue for her....if its my work ..i dnt hav any pron comming and working on sat...bt she tries to skip and asks our head to plz let me do that work as she has some other imp work at home...or she is nt well....and so...
i thnk i hav tried my best to explain wat delima i m going thru...
it will be of gr8 help if u guys can help me provide some solution for this...or let me 9 hw to handle these situations.
DO KEEP IN MIND BEFORE DUGGESTING THAT WE HAV A COMMON BOSS , SITTING NEXT TO US, SHARING SAME CABIN....
From India, New Delhi
2often my collegue behaves as described below:
1) she asks me to mak calls for example if she want somthing frm canteen, she asks me to ask for it from the cafetaria guy? although i say her why dnt u call she says plzzlz plz...me doing very imp work, so plz do it for me...since she is my collegue , so u all mst be aware of that we share some office gapshaps also...and family also....
cuming back to the topic, she has one phone beside her table...bt never uses it....says plz apke pass ho toh hai phone aapkar do...and its her daily routine...sumtimes i do it...sumtimes i resists, and ignore....my problem is my head is sitting beside both of us...so hw to respond in this situation....
2) she often asks me to do her unimportant work...lik asks me to plz help her stapple all the material or handouts....send mailers on her behalf.....and many more lik that....which she thinks is wastage of time for her....and she wanna focus on her other imp works...
i m the kind of person, who does not depend on others for her work..i do my work with full responsibilities and on my own.....bt she tries to delegate it to me(all unnecessary work)
3) many times our boss has also pinpointed her (indirectly) that u always get your work done smilingly through her....but she smiles and says thanks 2 me...
she didnt even guv me an opportunity 2 ask any favour frm her.....shows as id she ios always bussy...
4) saturday working is another issue for her....if its my work ..i dnt hav any pron comming and working on sat...bt she tries to skip and asks our head to plz let me do that work as she has some other imp work at home...or she is nt well....and so...
i thnk i hav tried my best to explain wat delima i m going thru...
it will be of gr8 help if u guys can help me provide some solution for this...or let me 9 hw to handle these situations.
DO KEEP IN MIND BEFORE DUGGESTING THAT WE HAV A COMMON BOSS , SITTING NEXT TO US, SHARING SAME CABIN....
From India, New Delhi
Hi dear,
The way you have described your problem shows that you are really facing problem and getting frustrated and irritated...
Dont worry about your boss...as you have said that you have common boss and S/he has also indirectly warned her not to delgate her work to you...that shows that your boss is in your favour....
To my mind, you should discuss the same with her and simply say 'NO' if she asks to do unnecessary work....helping colleagues is different and the way she is behaving is different...Some people are there who want to show that they are smart but in reality they are totally empty inside...
I would say one sentence "BE PROFESSIONAL, keep aside your personal relation with her and say 'NO" if you really think that she is irritating you...sometime we have to learn to say 'NO'.........
Regards,
Chaitali...
From India, Vadodara
The way you have described your problem shows that you are really facing problem and getting frustrated and irritated...
Dont worry about your boss...as you have said that you have common boss and S/he has also indirectly warned her not to delgate her work to you...that shows that your boss is in your favour....
To my mind, you should discuss the same with her and simply say 'NO' if she asks to do unnecessary work....helping colleagues is different and the way she is behaving is different...Some people are there who want to show that they are smart but in reality they are totally empty inside...
I would say one sentence "BE PROFESSIONAL, keep aside your personal relation with her and say 'NO" if you really think that she is irritating you...sometime we have to learn to say 'NO'.........
Regards,
Chaitali...
From India, Vadodara
HI,
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA,I TOO FACE SAME PROBLEM,U KNOW WHAT I DID I JUST LAID BACK AND BROUGHT MY PERFORMANCE TO BARE MINIMUM,I KEPT ON CREATING CRISIS IF THERE WAS NON. I MADE MY BOSS AND COLLEAGUE RUN AROUND N MADE THEM DO ALL FIRE FIGHTING.
NOW THE SITUATION IS THAT MY HEADS COMPLAINS HAVE LANDED TO THE TOP AND MANAGEMENT HAVE CALLED HER IN AS TO WHY THERE IS SUDDEN DROP IN PERFORMANCE AND WHY SHE IS FINDING IT DIFFICULT TO FIRE FIGHT.
MEAN WHILE I CREATED MY OWN LEAGUE OF LOYAL FRIENDS AND COLLEUGES IN OTHER DEPARTMENT, I NEVER TOLD THEM MY PROBLEMS BUT MADE A POINT THAT I CONVEY THAT I AM UNABLE TO PERFORM BECAUSE OF OTHER HR COLLEAGUE, AND IF I COULD HAVE ALLOWED TO PERFORMED WELL THEN I WOULD HAVE GOT A PARTICULAR PROBLEM THEY HAD SOLVED.AND SOMETIMES GAVE THEM TIP ON AS TO HOW TO GET THEIR THINGS DONE
I DID THIS NOW I HAVE CHUCKED ONE OF MY COLLEAGUE OUT OF THE COMPANY.
PLAY WITH MIND,BE LIKE A UNDER CURRENT. CREATE PROBLEM, BUT BE BEHIND THE CURTAIN
From India, Mumbai
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA,I TOO FACE SAME PROBLEM,U KNOW WHAT I DID I JUST LAID BACK AND BROUGHT MY PERFORMANCE TO BARE MINIMUM,I KEPT ON CREATING CRISIS IF THERE WAS NON. I MADE MY BOSS AND COLLEAGUE RUN AROUND N MADE THEM DO ALL FIRE FIGHTING.
NOW THE SITUATION IS THAT MY HEADS COMPLAINS HAVE LANDED TO THE TOP AND MANAGEMENT HAVE CALLED HER IN AS TO WHY THERE IS SUDDEN DROP IN PERFORMANCE AND WHY SHE IS FINDING IT DIFFICULT TO FIRE FIGHT.
MEAN WHILE I CREATED MY OWN LEAGUE OF LOYAL FRIENDS AND COLLEUGES IN OTHER DEPARTMENT, I NEVER TOLD THEM MY PROBLEMS BUT MADE A POINT THAT I CONVEY THAT I AM UNABLE TO PERFORM BECAUSE OF OTHER HR COLLEAGUE, AND IF I COULD HAVE ALLOWED TO PERFORMED WELL THEN I WOULD HAVE GOT A PARTICULAR PROBLEM THEY HAD SOLVED.AND SOMETIMES GAVE THEM TIP ON AS TO HOW TO GET THEIR THINGS DONE
I DID THIS NOW I HAVE CHUCKED ONE OF MY COLLEAGUE OUT OF THE COMPANY.
PLAY WITH MIND,BE LIKE A UNDER CURRENT. CREATE PROBLEM, BUT BE BEHIND THE CURTAIN
From India, Mumbai
Dear
I feel that there is emotional imbalances with your feeling.
you can over come with it.
IF YOU RESIST ANY THING IT WILL PERSIST.
OPPOSITE VALUES ARE COMPLIMENTARY
ACCEPT THE PERSON AND CIRCUMSTANCES AS THEY ARE
Pl go thru above it will relive from your stress
regards
From India, Bangalore
I feel that there is emotional imbalances with your feeling.
you can over come with it.
IF YOU RESIST ANY THING IT WILL PERSIST.
OPPOSITE VALUES ARE COMPLIMENTARY
ACCEPT THE PERSON AND CIRCUMSTANCES AS THEY ARE
Pl go thru above it will relive from your stress
regards
From India, Bangalore
hi chaitali,
thanx a ton....ya i agree i shd be able to say "no" to her...this is the only option i hav....i 9 i hav to say "no"...bt can u plz throw some light as in wat manner i shd say so...
rgds
niti
From India, New Delhi
thanx a ton....ya i agree i shd be able to say "no" to her...this is the only option i hav....i 9 i hav to say "no"...bt can u plz throw some light as in wat manner i shd say so...
rgds
niti
From India, New Delhi
hi vaidhee...
very rightly said "IF YOU RESIST ANY THING IT WILL PERSIST"
i was trying to avoid saying "no" to her but nw i cant tak this situation any more....so i hav to tak a step ahead...let c kya hota hai...kal i will follow this...and will tell u guys hw things r working nw...............
From India, New Delhi
very rightly said "IF YOU RESIST ANY THING IT WILL PERSIST"
i was trying to avoid saying "no" to her but nw i cant tak this situation any more....so i hav to tak a step ahead...let c kya hota hai...kal i will follow this...and will tell u guys hw things r working nw...............
From India, New Delhi
Hello Niti:
> i agree i shd be able to say "no" to her...this is the only option i hav....i 9 i hav to say "no"...bt can u plz throw some light as in wat manner i shd say so...<
Just say "No, you'll have to do it yourself" and do not say anything else. You don't have to justify your refusal. Ignore her when she begins pleading with you. You may have to do this numerous times until she realizes she can no longer control you.
Bob
From United States, Chelsea
> i agree i shd be able to say "no" to her...this is the only option i hav....i 9 i hav to say "no"...bt can u plz throw some light as in wat manner i shd say so...<
Just say "No, you'll have to do it yourself" and do not say anything else. You don't have to justify your refusal. Ignore her when she begins pleading with you. You may have to do this numerous times until she realizes she can no longer control you.
Bob
From United States, Chelsea
Hi Niti,
See depends on the situation take action, see these 5 formulas will work out…
1) Some times say, “No” diplomatically.
2) If she says, plzzzzzz I have some urgent work. You say, I too have some urgent work, if i spare my time on this work my work will get pending so I cannot plzzzzzzzzzz don’t feel bad other wise plzzzzzzzzzz plzzzzzzz ok plzzzzzzzz. (Your acting should be over acting... OK)
3) If she assign you the work on the day (e.g: Saturday), accept but don’t do it. Next day if she asks, tell her Hoooo!!!!!! Sorry I was totally busy in my work and I could not do your work. Plzzzzzzzzzz sorryyyyyyyy plzzzzzzzzzzzz. (Your face impression should inform her…… she had been fooled by you).
4) Start assigning your work to her (I know you are doing all your work on your own, as said above) more than she assigned you till now. Hear your intention is not get work done by her……. But…….. But……. To “Irritate her”. Hear while assigning repeatedly use the word sorry, pls and all…….
5) Formula is ‘Like Cures Like’. How she behave you also start behaving like that only even I would say some times more than her. She is requesting you also request……. So that nothing scene should be created…..
Regards,
Arvind
From India, Bangalore
See depends on the situation take action, see these 5 formulas will work out…
1) Some times say, “No” diplomatically.
2) If she says, plzzzzzz I have some urgent work. You say, I too have some urgent work, if i spare my time on this work my work will get pending so I cannot plzzzzzzzzzz don’t feel bad other wise plzzzzzzzzzz plzzzzzzz ok plzzzzzzzz. (Your acting should be over acting... OK)
3) If she assign you the work on the day (e.g: Saturday), accept but don’t do it. Next day if she asks, tell her Hoooo!!!!!! Sorry I was totally busy in my work and I could not do your work. Plzzzzzzzzzz sorryyyyyyyy plzzzzzzzzzzzz. (Your face impression should inform her…… she had been fooled by you).
4) Start assigning your work to her (I know you are doing all your work on your own, as said above) more than she assigned you till now. Hear your intention is not get work done by her……. But…….. But……. To “Irritate her”. Hear while assigning repeatedly use the word sorry, pls and all…….
5) Formula is ‘Like Cures Like’. How she behave you also start behaving like that only even I would say some times more than her. She is requesting you also request……. So that nothing scene should be created…..
Regards,
Arvind
From India, Bangalore
V.practical solution given by Arvind...with dialogues too... :) i.e how to react... Niti: I guess this would definitely work.. Regards, Chaitali.......
From India, Vadodara
From India, Vadodara
Pls read!! It would be beneficial.
What exactly is The Art of Saying No?
A lot of people just don't like the idea of having to tell people they can't do something. Or they feel obligated when a colleague asks a favour; or feel pressurised when someone senior to them needs something done.
There are even some work places where saying no is definitely frowned upon; and in, say, the police force, could be a sackable or disciplinary offence.
After having worked for some time with people where saying no either feels impossible or just isn't allowed, we created a body of work to address it. In some cases it is indeed, how to say no without ever saying the word.
Of course, there are times when saying the 'n' word is a necessity. But in our experience, there is so much anxiety around the possible consequences of using it, that people don't say anything at all, or agree to things they'd rather not, or get landed with work that isn't theirs and so on.
That can't be good for anyone, but especially the person who finds themselves staying late at the end of the day to get their own work done after they've finished everyone else's; or who swallows their resentment when they are 'volunteered' for something they don't want to do; or who quakes at the idea of having to be a bit tougher with a supplier or even someone they manage.
This is one issue we have felt so passionately about that we even wrote a book that deals with it:
The Nice Factor Book (Are you too Nice for your own good?)
This document is going to focus on one aspect of that book, which is about how to say no in a way that's manageable, deals with the difficult feelings and actually might be some fun. For a more in-depth look, do have a peek at the book.
It's Not Assertiveness
Impact Factory has been running programmes on The Art of Saying No for nearly seven years and we are often asked what the difference is between our work and assertiveness training. The reason we've been asked this is that assertiveness training has been around for some time, and people wonder if this art of saying no business isn't just more of the same.
Well, no it isn't, and here's why.
We believe the very term 'assertiveness' is limiting. For instance, people say you should be assertive rather than aggressive, as if assertiveness is the only way to deal with a difficult situation. It isn't. If you are being attacked or abused, then aggressively fighting back may well be an appropriate thing to do. The key word here is appropriate.
So yes, aggressiveness may be appropriate, assertiveness may be appropriate, but there's a greater range of choice of behaviour than those two types that could be equally appropriate.
Before we discuss them, though, we want to talk about some of the things that happen to people when what they think and feel is different from what they do.
Many 'unassertive' people recognise that their pattern of behaviour is to be nice or compliant for far longer than they really want to until they reach the point of no longer being able to hold it in; then they explode nastily and inappropriately all over whoever happens to be around.
There are three ways this 'explosion' can happen. The first is that the rage happens inside the head and remains unexpressed. The second is that it is inappropriately expressed, and someone not involved, like a work colleague or secretary or even a bus conductor, becomes the recipient. The third is properly directed at the 'offending party' but is out of all proportion to the probably small, but nonetheless final-straw-event that unleashes it.
Not Nice Not Nasty
This leaves people with the impression that there are only two states or behaviours they can do: Nice or Nasty. When, in fact, they have forgotten a whole range of behaviour that lies between Nice and Nasty that can be termed Not-Nice (or even Not-Nasty).
What we've seen with assertiveness, is that it is often seen as a single form of behaviour: just say no, stand your ground, be a broken record - all quite difficult if you are truly unassertive, or in our jargon - simply too nice for your own good. The concept of asserting yourself, (getting your voice heard, being understood, being taken into account, getting your own way) needs to be broadened to include all forms of behaviour. It can include humour, submission, irresponsibility, manipulation, playfulness, aggressiveness, etc.
The key point here is that the behaviour - nice, not-nice, nasty - is chosen. We emphasise the word key, because until people are able to choose behaviour that's free from the limiting effects of their fear of possible consequences, they will not be able to act no matter how well they are taught to be assertive. They will still feel overwhelmed in difficult situations.
Managing Feelings
It needs to be acknowledged that the strong feelings associated with changing behaviour are real and valid. Once people do that, then these (usually difficult) feelings can be looked upon as a good thing, a sign that something new is happening. At this point people can start to 'choose' to have these feelings rather than having to endure them or trying to pretend they are not happening.
The idea of choice is very important. If people feel they have real choice about how they behave, they start to realise that it can be OK to put up with something they don't like. They can choose it because they want to; it is to their advantage. They then avoid the disempowering tyranny of always having to assert themselves. (Which is almost as bad as feeling you always have to be compliant or nice.)
Many people think that in order to be assertive, you need to ignore what you are feeling and just 'stand your ground'. In fact, you ignore those feelings at your peril.
Often the magnitude of peoples' feelings is way out of proportion to what the situation warrants. They may well reflect a previous difficult event more accurately. But because that previous difficulty was so difficult, it feels as though every similar situation will be the same.
It is only by beginning to experience and understand how crippling these feelings can be that people can start to do anything about changing their behaviour. Many people know what they could say; they know what they could do. Most 'unassertive' people have conversations in their heads about how to resolve a conflict they're in; but still, their mouths say 'yes', while their heads say 'no'. Knowing what to do or say is not the issue here.
Therefore, in looking at practising 'the art of saying no', it is wise to broaden the brief to so that it isn't about becoming more assertive; rather it's about changing your behaviour to fit the circumstances.
While in many circumstances assertiveness can be a straight jacket of it's own (often creating resistance and resentment), the full lexicon of behaviour can be freeing, because there is choice in the matter. Using charm, humour, telling the truth or even deliberate manipulation, may well get you what you want without having to attempt behaviour that may go against your personality.
If you add a dash of fun or mischief, The Art of Saying No becomes a doable prospect, rather than another difficult mountain to climb.
Saying No
Here are some pointers of what could make it easier to say 'no'.
If you're saying something serious, notice whether you smile or not. Smiling gives a mixed message and weakens the impact of what you're saying.
If someone comes over to your desk and you want to appear more in charge, stand up. This also works when you're on the phone. Standing puts you on even eye level and creates a psychological advantage.
If someone sits down and starts talking to you about what they want, avoid encouraging body language, such as nods and ahas. Keep your body language as still as possible.
Avoid asking questions that would indicate you're interested (such as, 'When do you need it by?' or 'Does it really have to be done by this afternoon?' etc.)
It's all right to interrupt! A favourite technique of ours is to say something along the lines of, 'I'm really sorry; I'm going to interrupt you.' Then use whatever tool fits the situation. If you let someone have their whole say without interrupting, they could get the impression you're interested and willing. All the while they get no message to the contrary, they will think you're on board with their plan (to get you to do whatever...)
Pre-empt. As soon as you see someone bearing down on you (and your heart sinks because you know they're going to ask for something), let them know you know: 'Hi there! I know what you want. You're going to ask me to finish the Henderson report. Wish I could help you out, but I just can't.'
Pre-empt two. Meetings are a great place to get landed with work you don't want. You can see it coming. So to avoid the inevitable, pre-empt, 'I need to let everyone know right at the top, that I can't fit anything else into my schedule for the next two weeks (or whatever).'
Any of these little tips can help you feel more confident and will support your new behaviour. For that's what this is: If you're someone whom others know they can take advantage (they may not even be doing it on purpose, you're just an easy mark!) you need to indicate by what you do that things have changed.
Here's an Analogy we use in The Nice Factor Book:
Let's say you're a burglar. There's a row of identical houses and you're thinking of having a go at five of them. The first house has a Yale lock on the front door. The second house has a Yale and a Chubb lock on the front door. The third house has a Yale and a Chubb lock on the front door and bars on the window. The fourth house has a Yale and a Chubb lock on the front door, bars on the window and burglar alarm. The fifth house has a Yale and a Chubb lock on the front door, bars on the window, a burglar alarm and a Rottweiler.
Which would you burgle?
When you make it easy for other people, they will naturally keep coming back. By learning more effective ways of saying 'no' you make it harder for others to expect you to do what they want without taking into account what's going on for you. You become more burglar-proof.
Changing Others by Changing Yourself
A lot of us wish that the person we are in conflict with, or feel intimidated by, would change. Then everything would be all right. We've all heard this from a colleague, friend, partner and even said it ourselves: 'If only he'd listen to me, then I wouldn't be so frightened.' 'If only she'd stop complaining about my work, I'd be much happier.'
'If only' puts the onus on the other person to change how and who they are and makes them responsible for how we feel. By using some of the tools outlined above, people can get a sense of being in charge of situations, rather than being victims to what other people want.
It does seem to be part of human nature to blame others when things go wrong in our lives, or when we're feeling hard done by. If you take away the 'if only' excuse you also take away the need to blame and make the other person wrong. It's also rather wonderful to think that rather than waiting for someone else to change to make things all right, we all have the ability to take charge of most situations and make them all right for ourselves.
What also makes it easier is that we all just have to get better at 'the art of saying no'; none of us has to change our whole personalities to create a more satisfying outcome!
Regards,
Dixita
From India, Bangalore
What exactly is The Art of Saying No?
A lot of people just don't like the idea of having to tell people they can't do something. Or they feel obligated when a colleague asks a favour; or feel pressurised when someone senior to them needs something done.
There are even some work places where saying no is definitely frowned upon; and in, say, the police force, could be a sackable or disciplinary offence.
After having worked for some time with people where saying no either feels impossible or just isn't allowed, we created a body of work to address it. In some cases it is indeed, how to say no without ever saying the word.
Of course, there are times when saying the 'n' word is a necessity. But in our experience, there is so much anxiety around the possible consequences of using it, that people don't say anything at all, or agree to things they'd rather not, or get landed with work that isn't theirs and so on.
That can't be good for anyone, but especially the person who finds themselves staying late at the end of the day to get their own work done after they've finished everyone else's; or who swallows their resentment when they are 'volunteered' for something they don't want to do; or who quakes at the idea of having to be a bit tougher with a supplier or even someone they manage.
This is one issue we have felt so passionately about that we even wrote a book that deals with it:
The Nice Factor Book (Are you too Nice for your own good?)
This document is going to focus on one aspect of that book, which is about how to say no in a way that's manageable, deals with the difficult feelings and actually might be some fun. For a more in-depth look, do have a peek at the book.
It's Not Assertiveness
Impact Factory has been running programmes on The Art of Saying No for nearly seven years and we are often asked what the difference is between our work and assertiveness training. The reason we've been asked this is that assertiveness training has been around for some time, and people wonder if this art of saying no business isn't just more of the same.
Well, no it isn't, and here's why.
We believe the very term 'assertiveness' is limiting. For instance, people say you should be assertive rather than aggressive, as if assertiveness is the only way to deal with a difficult situation. It isn't. If you are being attacked or abused, then aggressively fighting back may well be an appropriate thing to do. The key word here is appropriate.
So yes, aggressiveness may be appropriate, assertiveness may be appropriate, but there's a greater range of choice of behaviour than those two types that could be equally appropriate.
Before we discuss them, though, we want to talk about some of the things that happen to people when what they think and feel is different from what they do.
Many 'unassertive' people recognise that their pattern of behaviour is to be nice or compliant for far longer than they really want to until they reach the point of no longer being able to hold it in; then they explode nastily and inappropriately all over whoever happens to be around.
There are three ways this 'explosion' can happen. The first is that the rage happens inside the head and remains unexpressed. The second is that it is inappropriately expressed, and someone not involved, like a work colleague or secretary or even a bus conductor, becomes the recipient. The third is properly directed at the 'offending party' but is out of all proportion to the probably small, but nonetheless final-straw-event that unleashes it.
Not Nice Not Nasty
This leaves people with the impression that there are only two states or behaviours they can do: Nice or Nasty. When, in fact, they have forgotten a whole range of behaviour that lies between Nice and Nasty that can be termed Not-Nice (or even Not-Nasty).
What we've seen with assertiveness, is that it is often seen as a single form of behaviour: just say no, stand your ground, be a broken record - all quite difficult if you are truly unassertive, or in our jargon - simply too nice for your own good. The concept of asserting yourself, (getting your voice heard, being understood, being taken into account, getting your own way) needs to be broadened to include all forms of behaviour. It can include humour, submission, irresponsibility, manipulation, playfulness, aggressiveness, etc.
The key point here is that the behaviour - nice, not-nice, nasty - is chosen. We emphasise the word key, because until people are able to choose behaviour that's free from the limiting effects of their fear of possible consequences, they will not be able to act no matter how well they are taught to be assertive. They will still feel overwhelmed in difficult situations.
Managing Feelings
It needs to be acknowledged that the strong feelings associated with changing behaviour are real and valid. Once people do that, then these (usually difficult) feelings can be looked upon as a good thing, a sign that something new is happening. At this point people can start to 'choose' to have these feelings rather than having to endure them or trying to pretend they are not happening.
The idea of choice is very important. If people feel they have real choice about how they behave, they start to realise that it can be OK to put up with something they don't like. They can choose it because they want to; it is to their advantage. They then avoid the disempowering tyranny of always having to assert themselves. (Which is almost as bad as feeling you always have to be compliant or nice.)
Many people think that in order to be assertive, you need to ignore what you are feeling and just 'stand your ground'. In fact, you ignore those feelings at your peril.
Often the magnitude of peoples' feelings is way out of proportion to what the situation warrants. They may well reflect a previous difficult event more accurately. But because that previous difficulty was so difficult, it feels as though every similar situation will be the same.
It is only by beginning to experience and understand how crippling these feelings can be that people can start to do anything about changing their behaviour. Many people know what they could say; they know what they could do. Most 'unassertive' people have conversations in their heads about how to resolve a conflict they're in; but still, their mouths say 'yes', while their heads say 'no'. Knowing what to do or say is not the issue here.
Therefore, in looking at practising 'the art of saying no', it is wise to broaden the brief to so that it isn't about becoming more assertive; rather it's about changing your behaviour to fit the circumstances.
While in many circumstances assertiveness can be a straight jacket of it's own (often creating resistance and resentment), the full lexicon of behaviour can be freeing, because there is choice in the matter. Using charm, humour, telling the truth or even deliberate manipulation, may well get you what you want without having to attempt behaviour that may go against your personality.
If you add a dash of fun or mischief, The Art of Saying No becomes a doable prospect, rather than another difficult mountain to climb.
Saying No
Here are some pointers of what could make it easier to say 'no'.
If you're saying something serious, notice whether you smile or not. Smiling gives a mixed message and weakens the impact of what you're saying.
If someone comes over to your desk and you want to appear more in charge, stand up. This also works when you're on the phone. Standing puts you on even eye level and creates a psychological advantage.
If someone sits down and starts talking to you about what they want, avoid encouraging body language, such as nods and ahas. Keep your body language as still as possible.
Avoid asking questions that would indicate you're interested (such as, 'When do you need it by?' or 'Does it really have to be done by this afternoon?' etc.)
It's all right to interrupt! A favourite technique of ours is to say something along the lines of, 'I'm really sorry; I'm going to interrupt you.' Then use whatever tool fits the situation. If you let someone have their whole say without interrupting, they could get the impression you're interested and willing. All the while they get no message to the contrary, they will think you're on board with their plan (to get you to do whatever...)
Pre-empt. As soon as you see someone bearing down on you (and your heart sinks because you know they're going to ask for something), let them know you know: 'Hi there! I know what you want. You're going to ask me to finish the Henderson report. Wish I could help you out, but I just can't.'
Pre-empt two. Meetings are a great place to get landed with work you don't want. You can see it coming. So to avoid the inevitable, pre-empt, 'I need to let everyone know right at the top, that I can't fit anything else into my schedule for the next two weeks (or whatever).'
Any of these little tips can help you feel more confident and will support your new behaviour. For that's what this is: If you're someone whom others know they can take advantage (they may not even be doing it on purpose, you're just an easy mark!) you need to indicate by what you do that things have changed.
Here's an Analogy we use in The Nice Factor Book:
Let's say you're a burglar. There's a row of identical houses and you're thinking of having a go at five of them. The first house has a Yale lock on the front door. The second house has a Yale and a Chubb lock on the front door. The third house has a Yale and a Chubb lock on the front door and bars on the window. The fourth house has a Yale and a Chubb lock on the front door, bars on the window and burglar alarm. The fifth house has a Yale and a Chubb lock on the front door, bars on the window, a burglar alarm and a Rottweiler.
Which would you burgle?
When you make it easy for other people, they will naturally keep coming back. By learning more effective ways of saying 'no' you make it harder for others to expect you to do what they want without taking into account what's going on for you. You become more burglar-proof.
Changing Others by Changing Yourself
A lot of us wish that the person we are in conflict with, or feel intimidated by, would change. Then everything would be all right. We've all heard this from a colleague, friend, partner and even said it ourselves: 'If only he'd listen to me, then I wouldn't be so frightened.' 'If only she'd stop complaining about my work, I'd be much happier.'
'If only' puts the onus on the other person to change how and who they are and makes them responsible for how we feel. By using some of the tools outlined above, people can get a sense of being in charge of situations, rather than being victims to what other people want.
It does seem to be part of human nature to blame others when things go wrong in our lives, or when we're feeling hard done by. If you take away the 'if only' excuse you also take away the need to blame and make the other person wrong. It's also rather wonderful to think that rather than waiting for someone else to change to make things all right, we all have the ability to take charge of most situations and make them all right for ourselves.
What also makes it easier is that we all just have to get better at 'the art of saying no'; none of us has to change our whole personalities to create a more satisfying outcome!
Regards,
Dixita
From India, Bangalore
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