Handling Arrogance In Oneself.......

I had just finished my session on “ Interpersonal Skills “ to students of MBA , when one of the smartest boys whom I had seen anchoring programmes, approached me with a question and asked,” Sir, I want you to help me out to handle arrogance. I feel I am quite arrogant with my friends and others too.” Now handling a question like this when you are surrounded by many more students becomes a bit difficult. I told him that since he was a student who because of his talents appeared to be always in the limelight would naturally develop arrogance which could be the result of feelings of superiority that people around him had given. I told him that it would go with time and he should not bother much. But our friend insisted because he was quite upset with himself and expressed that he had troubled his parents too due to this arrogance.And I found tears in his eyes. Obviously as a person whom students looked at as an experienced person and who has been accepted as a mentor by some, I did not have an alternative but to answer his question. I started thinking. I too was facing similar problem as I had found myself too behaving pretty arrogant on occasions. I was myself not able to get the answer. And then suddenly as I have often experienced while writing poetry or some thoughts I received an answer God knows, from where, perhaps HE only sent, which appeared Ok. I found myself answering,” Look boy, whenever you find yourself getting arrogant with someone; try to look at something in him in which he would be better than you. It could be anything- a quality or a possession- anything… obviously, you find him/her better in that instance and the moment you feel like this you may find your arrogance diluted a bit. I think I too need to experiment this with you,” I found him looking at me with surprise. “ It’s OK, we will try this and share next time,” I said and moved ahead. Trust me I am finding this small exercise useful. I have always found the other person better than me in some respect.. may be his height, his face, his clothes, his demeanour, his polish or some other thing and that has helped me become a little more respectful and kept me humble at times.

Hello Ramesh,
Good to see a point. Still better would be the following. Instead of creating an impression that others have something better than me, which may run into inferiority complex and zealousy, we may take it one step ahead. Why don't we see that there is something which I can learn. For example, instead of seeing some body's height, can we see if we can learn that something which is responsible for my appreciation to him. Even I observe people, younger than me, that they speak better than me at this age. May be theirs is convent education. Can I still improve mine still better? Sometimes, I find those whom I don't like, are more assertive. Can I be like that? But how do I get there?
I think your solution is right. May be we can make it better presentation. Thanks and regards,

Dear Mr. Rao,
Your views are welcome. Thanks a lot! Learning from others is indeed a way to improve. What I mentioned is the method one can adopt in an instant, in the moment one feels one is getting a bit arrogant..... Perhaps, as a Soft Skills Trainer, you can give it a try and make a presentatin...would love to contribute with whatever I have learnt on the way ....

Dear Mr.Sood
You might perhaps be also interested in my inspirational and motivational blogs listed below which contain, my interpretations of a daily quote. It also has a try these section, which would enable one to pesonalise the learning.
Regards
Jacob
Personality Development, Communication Skills and Written Communication - Website
Actspot's Blog - Daily Blog
Academy for Creative Training - weekly Blog

Dear Ramesh,
The very fact that the student you were refering to 'had tears in his eyes....' is not a sign of arrogance-but just a perception of the people around him. I strongly feel that his body language is inadvertently making him look arrogant but he is not and needs corrections.
Regards,
Colonel Jude.

Hi Jacob,
Thank you for nice blog which you have created, really impressive. I have read few articles, it enlighted my inner soul to outperform. sure i will be the regular reader from now.
Regards,
Dhanraj

Dear Col.,
True, the fact that he says I need to improve, shows that he is not really arrogant, but then we need to handle based on the situation. He insisted that I give him a solution. and I am happy that he insisted because it helped me too.

Nice topic to discuss and get solution I believe.

From my views, I would rather say that
" Humility is the true wisdom by which we prepare our minds for all possible changes in our Life"

We should be in a position to Love oneself first and passionate towards anything we do and not allow any one to feel that ourself is superior to other persons. That will stop this type of arrogance in any one.

Practising Silence is one way of handling arrogance in ourself.

Acceptance is other way of handling arrogance. Start accepting others as it is and never think twice or argue on any thing.Just accept and be silent for sometime, which can fetch results to reduce the arrogance in any one.

Acceptance comes only if there is Love and compassion.

I am hereby sharing the Formula of Compassion which may help the person who had asked this question:

Step One: Aspect

Q: "What is the aspect of myself this person is
reflecting back to me?"
Try to see and understand the aspect of yourself that
the other person is reflecting back to you. They are
your mirror, reflecting an aspect of yourself through
their behavior. This step calls for brutal
self-honesty, but it's well worth the effort.
Sometimes, instead of reflecting an aspect of your
behavior, they are reflecting something you judge. An
example would be someone who steals from you. You may
not be a thief, but you may be judging theft or people
who are thieves.
Step Two: Gift

Q: "What is the gift this person is giving me by
playing their role?"
Ask for help so you can see and understand the gift
the other person is giving you by playing their role.

Step Three: Acceptance
Q: "Can I accept the role that this person has played,
along with their actions, to help me learn this
lesson?"
Acceptance is one of the four elements of
unconditional love. Acceptance is part of compassion
and is unconditional love in action. This also
includes acceptance of who the person is, without
judgment. You will find that if you are having a hard
time with this step you can clear it by remembering
they are a soul in a body, just like you, and you are
helping each other with a lesson.

Step Four: Allowance

Q: "Can I allow myself to let go of my anger towards
this person who played the role to help me learn the
lesson?"
Allowance is also one of the four elements of
unconditional love. Allowance is part of compassion
and is unconditional love in action. This includes
allowing the person to be who they are and to follow
their chosen path, regardless of how you feel about
it.
By the time you've reached this step, you'll find it
very easy to let go of anger towards the person,
because you are feeling the gratitude and compassion
that comes from seeing the pain they suffered in
playing their role for you.
On another note: Allowance is easier to do when we let
go of needing to control someone's behavior or choices
for their own good. We tend to control people out of
fear that their actions will hurt them/and or us. If
we understand that everything has a value, then we can
begin to release our need to control because we
understand that there will be a value in each and
every outcome.

Step Five: Release

Q: "Can I release this person from blame?"
This one is easy when you understand that you are not
a victim. On the contrary, you are an active
participant in a contract and lesson that you helped
set up.
Taking responsibility for your part in the contract
enables you to release the other person from blame for
the role they played to help you learn the lesson you
wanted to learn. You understand that just as you are
not a victim, nor are they a villain. And remember, it
is much harder to play the role of a villain than it
is to play the role of a hero.
Releasing someone from blame is different to forgiving
them. Forgiving someone is what we do when we feel
they have sinned against us, as in being victimized.
Release is the key element in the Formula. The release
is created by your compassion for the other person.

Step Six: Kindness

Q: "Now that I have released this person, can I be
kind to him/her, and if so, how can I do it and when
will I do it?"
At this point you may be feeling the intensity of the
release through the heart. The degree of the feeling
differs according to the emotional intensity of the
issue. The more emotionally charged the issue, the
more intense the release.
By now you will be filled with gratitude and
compassion after reaching this step and your only
thought is how to make amends and thank the other
person/s.
Now that you are feeling gratitude and compassion, by
releasing the other person from blame and anger, you
realize you can be kind to them. You are now ready for
completion.
The two parts of Completion are:
a) How will you show your kindness, and
b) When you will do it?

The degree of the release is relative to the emotional
intensity of the issue. The more emotionally charged
the issue, the more intense the release.
You will find this step to be quite emotional. Higher
understanding fills you with gratitude and compassion
and your only thought is how to make amends and thank
them. This is quite an empowering feeling.
Having released the other person from blame you can
now be kind and loving toward them, functioning as you
are from a level of gratitude and compassion . . .
otherwise known as a state of Grace. It's not
necessary for the other person to understand how you
reached this state of grace, all you need do is thank
them. Let them know you have learnt a valuable lesson
as a result of their interaction, and thank them for
helping you to gain a better understanding of who and
what you are.


Thanks

Rgds
Mahesh Thakku

That's wonderful Mahesh! Loved what you wrote.... very enlightening and helpful.. I am sure the effort as proposed by you would definitely get Humility get a chance... thanks again.

Thanks Ramesh.



As the Qoute by Our Mahatma goes,



"Be the Change you want to see in this World" , we should always think of changing ourselves to see in this world which is there in the movie Munna Bhai series I believe.



Practising this is very difficult but once done this is the simplest solution to all things in Life and all the issues we face on day to day basis.



For an example, I will tell one incidence from my life at Office.



I am a Project manager leading a team of engineers.



One of the team member was always adamant to keep his work place always dirty and untraceable.



I advised him to change this and also warned many times after that.



In spite of this, he was not in a habit of keeping his workplace clean.



I just started to clean his table before he comes to office daily and he do not know who was doing that.Kept all the papers in order, files in a rack etc.,



Later I started appreaciating him for keeping clean his table and desk.



He was ashamed and accepted that he is not doing that and he is also surprised about that.



Later I told him that someone who is his well wisher might have done that.



From the next day I saw him keeping his table clean as I had stopped the activity.



Also he has started telling his other peers to be neat and clean in work place.



This is the effect of the Change we want to see .



Rgds

Mahesh TS